there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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