Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
