I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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