upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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