Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
farters have to be the big spoon...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
