So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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