I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
