he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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