Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
