I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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