I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
im having a threesome with these popsicles
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
