Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
