So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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