My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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