he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
