I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
