you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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