I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
