My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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