Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
