Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
