I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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