I'm so fucking centered right now
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?