Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
