They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
