Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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