Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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