I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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