if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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