You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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