I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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