Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So here I am, sexting at work.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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