HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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