when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
