Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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