When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
If I die, sorry about rent.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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