I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
