Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
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Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
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if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss