you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
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Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
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You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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