If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol