I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
