You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
