We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
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if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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