Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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