Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
