Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
