are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So vagazzling was a success
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
