It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
