He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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