the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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