He told me they were just razor bumps!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
