Little spoons don't ask big questions
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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