I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
zippers are such a cool invention
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
