My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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