How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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