Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
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