I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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