I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
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What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
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He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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