There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
